Are you a People Pleaser?

In Transactional Analysis Taibi Kahler, (1975) wrote about the 5 Drivers: Please Others, Be Perfect, Try Hard, Be Strong and Hurry Up. They are developed in early childhood, at an age when we can understand what is approved of and disapproved of by the grownups around us and we attempt to adapt to them to feel ok in the world. Some of the messages we would have picked up from verbal response and some from non-verbal responses to us.

Though Kahler held Pleasing Others as a distinct Driver, you might see them all as facets of people pleasing. We can spot peoples drivers through the many ways in which they behave. These include words, tones, speech patterns, gestures, posture, facial expressions, the way people dress and the way they keep their home or office.

You might hear the term “people pleaser” and baulk - the person that buys the first round, brings cakes in to work when it’s not even their birthday and makes sure everyone is safe in a cab at the end of a party. They’re often characterised as sickly sweet, do-gooders or doormats - but they have many positive traits.

They appear to be good team members, they like to ensure that those around them are having a good time and are very considerate of other peoples feelings. They often have big smiles, say “sorry” for almost everything and frames everything as a question to ensure approval.

However, their hyper vigilance to the well-being of others can impact their own, sometimes leading to low self-esteem, anxiety and co-dependancy.

People Pleasers only feel safe if they:

• make others happy

• are validated for their efforts by others

• put others’ well-being before their own

They’re kind hearted souls but often they have trouble recognising their own needs and self worth because their sense of self has been continually discounted.

Why do People Pleasers do this to themselves? The message that they interpreted when they were small was that they would be abandoned or rejected if they displeased their caregivers. Now that is not to say that that was the reality of their childhood - just how they took in the messages from those in charge.

So at the heart of People Pleasing is fear.

And the only way to cope with that is to make others happy.

Which can be exhausting… and lead to anxiety, resentment and anger.

If you know a People Pleaser, give them a break. Let them know that they are valuable to you by just being them.

And if you think you share some of the traits explored here and want to explore how you can enhance your self-worth without being in service to others, email me for a free consultation at hello@hjmcounsellingtherapy.com